The Sad, Sad Tale of an Arranged Marriage
by The Poisoned Doughnut Of DOOM
Summary: After Harry saves Ron's life, Mr and Mrs Weasley decided the only way to repay him is by giving him Ginny's hand in marriage. Chaos insues.


A/N: This takes place after Ron accidentally drinks poison in Slughorn's office, on his birthday.

**I also updated this as a very long one-shot, because one reviewer said the short chapters were annoying. They were right.**

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Before anybody could respond to this ominous pronouncement, the dormitory doors opened again and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley hurried up the ward. They had done no more than satisfy themselves that Ron would make a full recovery on their last visit to the ward; now Mrs. Wealsey seized hold of Harry and hugged him very tightly. "Dumbledores's told us how you saved him with the bezoar," she sobbed. "Oh, Harry, what can we say? You saved Ginny…you saved Arthur…now you've saved Ron…"

"Don't be…I didn't…" muttered Harry awkwardly.

"Half our family does seem to owe you their lives, now I stop and think about it," Mr. Weasley said in a constricted voice. "How could we ever repay you?"

"You don't have to," Harry started turning bright red.

"I've got it!" Mr. Weasley said brightening. "You can marry Ginny!"

Harry gasped so hard he choked on his own spit and started coughing like crazy while Ginny shrieked "WHAT! I have a boyfriend! How do I tell him I'm getting married at 15! He'll think I'm pregnant!"

Fred and George were laughing like crazy. They eventually took pity on the choking Harry and slapped him as hard as they could on his back until he got his breath back.

"That's very, er, generous of you, but---,"

"It's the least we could do!" Mrs. Weasley interrupted happily.

"Hey!" Ginny replied indignantly.

"I'm only sixteen!" Harry cried out trying to weasel out.

"Hmm, that could be a problem," Mr. Weasley said and stopped for a moment to think. "I've got it again! You two could get married on Harry's birthday!"

"Oh, Ginny! You've going to be a July bride!" wailed Mrs. Weasley. "We need to get you a wedding gown!"

"NO!" Ginny shrieked as Mrs. Weasley grabbed her daughter and dragged her forcefully from the room.

"Well, Harry! Let's go look for wedding rings!" Mr. Weasley said enthusiastically. "In the Wizarding World, engagement and wedding rings are magical, and you can't break them! Isn't that great?"

"HELP ME!" Harry shrieked. Mr. Weasley grabbed the back of his robes. Harry clung to the doorway, trying desperately to escape his fate. But, Mr. Weasley won.

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"Mr. Weasley---,"

"Oh, no more of that 'Mr. Weasley' stuff anymore, son! Call me 'Dad'!" said Mr. Weasley as he slapped Harry rather forcefully on the back in what he thought was a friendly way.

"Er, Dad?" Harry asked as he straightened out. "Where are we going?"

"Pff, where else? Diagon Alley!" Mr. Weasley snorted. He gripped Harry's arm again. Since they had left the castle, Harry had attempted escape three times and walking down the streets of Hogsmeade, he attempted it seven more times. Harry lunged for the eleventh time, but Mr. Weasley held fast.

"Harry, m'boy, I know you're excited about your wedding to Ginny, but hold your horses! There's plenty of time between now and July 31st to get the rings."

Harry groaned aloud. Mr. Weasley took Harry by the arm and they walked into The Three Broomsticks.

Harry looked at Rosemerta. "Rosemerta, HELP! I've been kidnapped!"

She laughed.

"Oh, I've already heard the news when Mrs. Weasley and your fiancée came in to use the Floo, congratulations!" Rosemerta said as she handed Harry a butterbeer. Harry shrugged and started to drink. She held up a glass of gillywater and made a toast: "To Harry Potter, his bride-to-be, and their many children to come!"

The butterbeer streamed out of Harry's nose as he accidentally inhaled half of his drink. "Children!" he gasped as he spewed butterbeer all over the floor. Harry had just realized one of the…OTHER…_aspects_ of marriage. Ginny was his best mate's little sister! It was practically incest! (1) He continued to gasp and choke on the liquid filling his nose and mouth when Mr. Weasley shoved him happily through the fireplace and yelled for him, "Diagon Alley!"

(1) incest: sex between close relatives; sexual activity between people who are considered, for moral or genetic reasons, too closely related to have such a relationship. Incest is regarded as a serious taboo in almost every society, although cultures differ as to the extent of which marriages are allowed between marriages.

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"Mum, don't do this to me!" Ginny wailed. She was standing in Madame Malkins Robes for All Occasions, staring at her reflection in a mirror. "I thought you loved me!"

"Of course I do! Look at you," Mrs. Weasley sniffed. "You're BEAUTIFUL!"

Ginny shuddered.

"MUM! You're insane! I cannot wear ORANGE wedding robes! It clashes with my hair! And it looks ridiculous!"

"Fine!" snapped Mrs. Weasley. "Find your own robe!"

"Thank you, mum!" Ginny said happily. She skipped away and found a lovely white wedding robe. "Wait…OH MY GOSH! This robe costs seven hundred Galleons!"

"Hmm, that could be a problem," Mrs. Weasley muttered.

"I"VE GOT IT!" Mrs. Weasley shouted. She grasped Ginny's arm and they Apparated into the Burrow. Mrs. Weasley dashed to the living room and ripped off the curtains. "I'll dye these curtains white, and then I'll make you wedding robes out the curtains!"

"GOD, MUM! PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING!" Ginny screamed. "I'LL LOOK LIKE A BAG LADY! I'M MARRYING HARRY-FREAKING-POTTER, SAVIOR OF THE WIZARDING WORLD! AND YOU EXPECT ME TO MARRY THE BOY WHO LIVED (AGAINST MY WILL, AS A MATTER OF FACT) IN A PAIR OF FREAKING _LIVING ROOM CURTAINS_!"

"No one will be able to tell! You're making quite a lot of fuss about this! You'll look fine!"

"I'm not Scarlet O'Hara! In the real world, people don't wear clothes made out of CUTAINS!"

Mrs. Weasley shook her head. "I'm going to measure you." She whipped out a measuring tape that flew on its own and measured literally every inch of Ginny. Mrs. Weasley nodded wisely as Ginny sulked. "Okay, that's enough," Mrs. Weasley said as the tape measurer finished measuring Ginny's legs. "I can get started!"

"…Can I go back to school now?" Ginny asked.

"No, we have to wait for your father and your fiancé to show up and do the formal engagement with the rings!" Mrs. Weasley started crying with happiness. Ginny cried too, but she was far from crying in happiness.

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Harry wasn't having any luck with Mr. Weasley. Mr. Weasley kept an iron grip on his shoulder as he marched Harry to a wizarding jewelry store. They went inside, and Mr. Weasley paraded Harry around the room, looking at display cases.

Mr. Weasley screamed.

"What is it, Dad!" Harry yelled.

"I found the perfect rings!"

Harry was slightly annoyed that Mr. Weasley had terrified him like that for no good reason. He sighed and went to look at the rings.

"You've got to be joking," Harry groaned. The rings were made of tin foil, with orange rock candy taped to one side.

"Aren't they gorgeous!" Mr. Weasley sighed.

"Um, no! They're tin foil! They have ORANGE rock candy taped to them! That's no wedding ring!"

"Fine!" Mr. Weasley snapped. "Spurn my ideas! Go find rings on your own!"

"Fine!" Harry soon found two silver bands with a simple design of peridots, emeralds, and rubies, to symbolize Gryffindor. Also, peridots stood for married happiness, emeralds stood for love and success, and rubies stood for contentment. Those were the engagement rings. The wedding rings had gold bands and had diamonds, pearls, and opals. The diamonds stood for innocence, which Harry found odd for a wedding ring, the pearls were for health and longevity, and the opals were for hope.

After purchasing the rings (courtesy of Harry's Gringott's account) Mr. Weasley took Harry's shoulder once again. They then Apparated to the Burrow.

"Dad? Why are we at the Burrow?"

"Well, Ginny's waiting, and we're having a formal engagement!"

Harry's stomach did a back flip, while that monster in his chest experienced a fierce inner battle. Mr. Weasley, after a day of escape attempts, gripped Harry's arm again and they went inside to meet Harry's doom.

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Harry and Ginny looked awkward. They were standing in the living room of the Burrow. All of Ginny's brothers (minus Percy) were standing around, also looking awkward.

Everyone was in his or her dress robes, much to Ron's disgust. Ron was also suffering from Hermione Withdrawal. According to Pureblood law that I'm making up, only direct family was to witness the engagement. Engagement was also like an Unbreakable Vow.

Everyone was waiting for Mrs. Weasley. Well, almost everyone. Fleur was too busy adjusting her makeup and doing her hair in a small mirror she had with her.

"Here it is!" Mrs. Weasley said. She held up a thick book, about the size of a bible over her head. "'Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide To Magical Weddings and Engagements!'" She opened the book. "Ooh, I haven't seen a PROPER engagement since my own!" she said wistfully, pausing to glare at Fleur, who smeared some pink lipstick onto her lips and smacked them.

"Anyway, let's move on. 'Step One: The fiancée and fiancé need to be where their parents first met.' Well, that puts a bit of a dent in our plans."

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley took everyone into a giant group Apparation and they appeared in a dark alley. While everyone gave odd looks to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Mrs. Weasley opened her book. "Next, 'Step Two: The mother-in-law's must hand the rings to their future children-in-laws.' That's a problem; Harry's mother isn't around. Oh well, I'll just do it."

Mrs. Weasley gave Harry the ring meant for Ginny, and gave Ginny the ring meant for Harry.

TIME PASSES…

"'Step Seventy-Two: The groom slides the ring on the bride's third finger on the left hand and says 'I take thee as my lawfully engaged fiancée'. Okay, that's simple enough!"

There had been so many steps that several hours had passed, and they had gone to three deserts, a forest, a tundra, three dark alleys, the Burrow, a barbecue, and under a pink umbrella.

Harry, exhausted, shoved the ring on Ginny's finger and dully, "I take thee as my lawfully engaged fiancée."

"'Step Seventy-Three: The party goes to the place of the fiancée's birth.'" The group then Apparated to St. Mungo's. The bored-looking clerk looked at them and said, "Pureblood engagements on the seventh floor," she said in a monotone voice.

They look the lift to the seventh floor, where Ginny repeated what Harry had done a few minutes again.

"The last step! 'Step Seventy-Four: The bride and groom exchange their first lawful kiss at the place of the bride's mother's birth.'"

They then Apparated to a Muggle park.

"I'm going to do myself a favor and not ask," Harry muttered. Everyone formed a circle around Ginny and Harry, and, awkwardly, Harry and Ginny had their first lawful kiss, but it only last two seconds.

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At midnight, the ceremony was (finally) over, and Harry, Ron, and Ginny Flooed into Professor McGonagall's office. She looked at them and sniffed.

"I can't wait for the wedding! I hope I'm invited. Congratulations!" She burst into tears.

Harry, Ron, and Ginny made their way back to the common room. It was now two AM. Ron slogged to the dormitory and fell asleep immediately. Harry and Ginny stood awkwardly in the common room.

"Er, Harry? This has nothing to with you, but I really don't want to get married."

"Same here!" Harry exclaimed relieved. "So, the wedding's off?"

"Yes," Ginny decided. She reached for her ring to pull it off. So did Harry.

"CRAP!" Harry groaned. "IT WON'T COME OFF!"

"Dammit! Mine won't either! How did this happen?"

"Dad!" Harry growled. He then stifled a yawn. "I am going to bed."

Ginny and Harry went to their respective dormitories and fell asleep.

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The next day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione met in the common room. Peeves had thrown Dung Bombs in every corridor, and since today was Sunday, everyone decided rather than brave the smell, they would stay in their dorms.

A few of the braver souls had gone into the hallways where the weaker ones immediately passed out. The stronger ones merely vomited all over the school. After so many unconscious and vomit-splattered students arrived in the infirmary, Dumbledore was forced to tell the children that they had to stay in their dorms.

The house elves were delivering food to those who were hungry, much to Hermione's anger. She whipped out the S.P.E.W. badges and ran around the room. But, everyone was grouchy today, and no one joined. In fact, Colin Creevy even threw his soda at Hermione and told her to bugger off.

Ron and Harry were talking of normal things when Hermione joined them at their table where they were attempting to do a Potions essay without Hermione's help. Hermione was drenched in various sticky drinks, and splattered with various foods, including sauerkraut, which smelled pretty bad.

Ginny passed by and told Hermione, fairly angrily, "Take a shower! God, you smell!" Then she stomped away.

Hermione looked hurt. Harry laughed.

"Don't mind them, Hermione. They're just grumpy with the whole world because my mum and dad have arranged their marriage," Ron told Hermione kindly.

That shut Harry up. "SHUT UP!" he screamed. "IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY! STRIKE THAT IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!"

Which effectively got every Gryffindor's attention. They all whipped around and were silent as the grave while the Golden Trio continued to bicker.

Ron burst into insane laughter. "Yes, it is funny! Ha, ha! You have an arranged marriage!" he sang.

"What?" Romilda Vane asked with a deadly look in her eyes.

The whole House burst into laughter. When it died down, Romilda was in front of Harry. "Who is she? Who's the bitch you're marrying? Tell, me, I'll take her down!" Harry's eyes widened. While no one was looking, Ginny quickly hid her ring.

"Er, um, I don't, er, ah, know! I just know, that, well, er, um, argh, that I'm getting, er, uh, married."

Romilda got a vicious look in her eyes.

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Harry cleared his throat. "Um," he said uncomfortably.

Ron cleared his throat. "Um, what?" he asked obliviously.

"Don't you object?"

"To what?"

"This whole 'arranged marriage' thing?"

Ron shrugged. "It's about time she settled down."

"She's 15."

"She's had too many boyfriends. She's wild!"

"She's only had four."

"She's loved you forever."

"…That was awkward," Harry said blushing. He and Ron were having a little heart-to-heart.

"It doesn't bother you in any way at all?" Harry probed looking for an excuse to get out of this marriage.

Ron shook his head cheerfully. "Nope! Besides, now we'll be related!" Ron gave an uncharacteristic squeal. Harry backed away slowly.

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Mrs. Weasley was sewing the curtains while Mr. Weasley went over the guest list. "We should invite the Minister to show face, but I do not want him here!" he fretted.

"Did you invite Percy?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

"Yes. He sent back the invitation. I think that means 'no'."

"But if the Minister comes, so does he!"

"Fine," Mr. Weasley grumbled. "I'll invite the bloody Minister."

Mrs. Weasley gasped. "I need to measure Ginny! I think it made the robes too small!"

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Ginny and Harry were Flooed immediately to the Burrow.

"What's going on? Who's in danger?" yelled Harry heroically, taking a battle stance when he entered the house.

"I need to measure Ginny, to make the dress fits," Mrs. Weasley said calmly. Ginny screamed.

"YOU DRAGGED ME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO MEASURE ME?"

"Yes. Now, stand still."

"Why am I here?" Harry asked.

"Arthur wanted to talk to you."

Harry sat down with Mr. Weasley.

"Now, Harry, I've encountered a bit a wrinkle in this marriage."

"So the wedding's off?" Harry and Ginny asked at the same time.

"No," Mr. Weasley laughed. "We fixed the problem."

"Darn," Ginny muttered.

"It is just pre-wedding jitters! You'll be fine!" Mrs. Weasley said happily.

"THEY ARE NOT 'PRE-WEDDING JITTERS' THEY'RE ALL OF MY LIFE JITTERS BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED!"

"…" Said Mrs. Weasley. "…It's okay to be nervous, Ginny."

Ginny screamed in anguish.

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Mrs. Weasley screamed. "I MADE THE ROBES TO SMALL!" She burst into sobs. Ginny sighed in relief. Mrs. Weasley suddenly brightened. Ginny moaned.

"Ginny, I'm taking the curtains from your room to finish the dress!"

"But, Molly!" Mr. Weasley said. "Now they can't live here!"

"What?" Ginny asked.

"We planned on you and Harry living here, in your room, for the rest of your lives. But, since you no longer have curtains, the dream is gone!"

"Is the wedding off?" Harry and Ginny asked simultaneously.

"No. I've got it for the third time!" Mr. Weasley shouted.

"Dad, please! Stop 'getting it'!" Ginny yelled.

"I've got it! You two can live at Sirius' house! Molly and I will clean it before the wedding!"

Harry turned to Ginny and handed her his wand.

"Please kill me."

Ginny gave Harry her wand.

"Please kill ME."

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Harry and Ginny returned to school where their news was traveling like wildfire. No one knew about Ginny, but everyone knew about Harry.

The next morning, as soon as Harry entered the Great Hall, every single student (and quite a few of the teachers) burst into loud laughter. Even Professor Dumbeldore was turning red in an effort to not laugh.

Harry growled and punched Ron, who was laughing.

"It's not that funny! Strike that, it's not funny at all!"

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Harry was bright red as a tomato as made his way to Defense Against the Dark Arts. As soon as he opened the door, Snape burst into laughter.

"IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY! STRIKE THAT, IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!"

Neville was laughing so hard he wet his pants.

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Harry once again stood awkwardly with a Weasley male.

"Um, Mr. Weasley? Why did you bring me to Sirius' house?"

Mr. Weasley sat down at the table and motioned Harry to join him. Harry sat next to him. Mr. Weasley put a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Son, I think it's time we had a talk."

"About what? How this marriage could never work so it's being called off?"

Well, at least we can give Harry credit for trying.

"No, son. This 'talk' is about what's going to be expected from you once you and Ginny are married."

"Like what?"

"Like, 'Grandpa Weasley' sounds awfully good!"

"Holy. Shit."

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"Ginny, it's about time we had a little talk," Mrs. Weasley said as she patted Ginny's head.

"Yes. Let us talk about … marshmallows!" Ginny said quickly. "Boy, do they taste good!"

"No, I mean the talk about certain married activities."

"You mean sex?" Ginny said brightly.

"… Yes, actually. How did you know about that?"

"Hermione told me when I had my first period at school."

"Oh."

"I sent you an owl but you ignored me."

"… Let's get on with the talk."

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A few weeks after these…horrific events, Ginny was sitting to her breakfast in the Great Hall. Romilda Vane sat next to her.

"Hello!"

"Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Joo Dee, I mean, Romilda Vane."

"And you're talking to me why?"

"Well, ever since the love of my life since school started announced that he was getting married but refused to tell who his fiancée was, I was on the prowl!"

"You stalked people?"

"Yes. And I've noticed that you wear long sleeves and always cover your left hand."

"And?"

"So I need to ask you a little question… ARE YOU MARRYING HARRY POTTER?"

Once again, someone had screamed out a piece of information the couple would have preferred to keep quiet. It also attracted the attention of everyone in the room.

"HOLY SHIT HOW DID YOU I mean, of course not!"

"Oh, okay."

Ginny turned back to her toast while Romilda whipped around and snatched Ginny's hand. Ginny and Romilda promptly had a bitch fight. It ended with Romilda standing on the Griffyndor table emitting a Xena-like war cry and dangling Ginny by her left hand.

"YOU ARE MARRYING HARRY POTTER!"

The couple would never again know rest.

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All too soon, it was July 31st. Harry was standing at the alter at the Burrow, being held in place by Ron. Ginny soon appeared, walking down the aisle. Mr. Weasley was giving the bride away, so he walked down the aisle with her. In fact, it appeared that Mr. Weasley was dragging Ginny down the aisle.

The ceremony was far less complicated than the engagement.

Ha, ha, did you fall for that?

It, in fact, took several days for them to go through all the steps.

Finally, it was the reception.

Ron stood up to make his best man speech.

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"My best friend. And my sister. It's so cute!" Ron squealed. He straightened his tie.

"I was so happy. I was also laughing. From joy," said Ron as his eyes darted back and forth.

"Love brought them together, and nothing could tear them apart, except, maybe, I dunno, You-Know-Who, or something."

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Harry and Ginny stood awkwardly in the hall of 12 Grimmauld Place. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had placed a Permanent Sticking Charm on the curtains in front of every portrait that wouldn't come off so that Mrs. Black wouldn't scream about blood traitors all the time. To Harry and Ginny's immense relief, Kreacher had died. Well, Harry had tricked him into touching a Portkey so he was now in Nebraska. There was also a wizard waiting in Nebraska for Kreacher to Obliviate him…

Hermione didn't know.

So, the newlyweds were standing awkwardly about, whistling.

"Um," Ginny said.

"Yeah."

"Well," Ginny continued. "Now that we're … married, we're sort of … expected … to engage in other … marital … nighttime … activities." Ginny was blushing as red as her hair.

"Ginny, I don't want you to feel insulted, but I really rather wouldn't. I'm not really … ready … for that kind of relationship and the … consequences … that may ensue…"

"You mean, if I get pregnant," Ginny said matter-of-factly.

"…Yeah."

"That's great!" Ginny sighed in relief. "I didn't really want to either!"

"So, we'll pick out different rooms?" Harry asked.

"Sure!"

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The next day Harry and Ginny went down to get breakfast. To their horror, who else was sitting at the breakfast table but Voldemort!

"Voldemort!" Harry yelled.

"No dur!" Voldemort yelled back.

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" Ginny yelled.

"What are you doing here?" Harry shrieked.

"Finishing my evil plan!" Voldemort laughed.

"What plan? You're sitting at our kitchen table!" Ginny exclaimed.

"It's part of the plan! And since I'm going to kill you, I will tell you my plan!"

"That you broke into our house and are sitting at our kitchen table?"

"No," said Voldemort. "It gets way better than that! By now, you're married, are you not?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "But what does that have to do with wait a second. How did you know we were married?"

"Because it was my idea!" Voldemort laughed.

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"I Imperiused the blood traitor's parents to force them to marry you to distract Harry Potter while I took over the world!"

"Like, wedding plans distracting?" Harry asked.

"No, I mean like wild monkey sex distracting. And it worked! I've taken over all the world and after I kill you I will rule the world with no interruptions! All because you wanted wild monkey sex!"

"But we haven't done that yet!" Ginny said to Voldemort.

"You haven't?" he asked in surprise. "No matter. Time to die." He whipped out his wand. "AVADA---,"

But, since it was breakfast time, Harry picked up a conveniently placed cereal box and hurled it at Voldemort. It hit Voldemort's head and he collapsed to the floor. Ginny, who had been chewing gum, spat her gum on Voldemort.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shrieked as the small ball of wet, slimy, chewed up substance stuck in the middle of his forehead. "How did you know gum was my only weakness!" he shrieked as he dissolved into a green puddle.

Ginny looked at Harry.

Harry looked at Ginny.

"Wanna have sex?"

"Okay!"

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NINE MONTHS LATER

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"Miss Weas---, I mean Mrs. Potter!" Professor Flitwick yelled at Ginny. "Can you tell me the incantation to make water?"

Ginny gasped for breath. "I think I'm having contractions!"

"Wrong! The incantation is… YOU'RE HAVING CONTRACTIONS?!"

The class waved their wands and all chanted in unison: "YOU'RE HAVING CONTRACTIONS!"

Ginny was taken to the Hospital wing where she had beautiful twins. Ginny passed out from the pain so Harry named the twins "Harry Jr." and "Ginny Jr.".

When she woke up, Ginny was not pleased.

The End!


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